Sunday, September 09, 2007

yoz! just finsih watching high school musical 2 OMG! it is super nice manz! i love it!! haha i want watch again and again and again and AGAIN! omg i am mad HAHA!!

anyway i am so jealous coz they are so close with each other although is just show but i still so envy. how i wish i got close friends like them manz..though i have alot of friends and i treat them as very very close friends but i found tt i am just nth to them actually..no one think of me when they have fun stuff or when they need help..i am just extra or background to them i think.

it is coz of my character? from the day i born no one like me on one want be my friend or is it i too quiet? i wanted to be sociable but it is really hard to me..i see my friend can treat ppl they just met like they know each other very long time ago and are close friend. i was ao amaze!! how can they do tt?? is tt call sociable? but i just cant do what they did. i feel werid and i also make ppl think tt i am some bhb person if i treat someone i first met as friends who i know very long. i just cant do it.

i dunno how to make ppl laugh and i also dunno what to tok to ppl. when someone is alone with me it will be so quiet tt i tot i am with a stranger. but why when the person is with my friend they can have non stop chat? am i so boring? ya i think so. my mind is always blank. i sometimes think hj is pretty funny coz when she saw someone she know she will shout at the person just to say hi and then bye. isnt it funny? and for me i see someone i know i will try to aviod and hope tt person didnt see me i dunno why i got this reaction it is just to normal for me to have this action and i hate to see a group of ppl i know coz i dunno who to look at dunno who is say hi to i just avoid them or just give a fake smile and walk fast away.

sometimes i think i very very very easy get hurt and i hate going out with groups of either i know all or know a few ppl. coz i know i will definitly gonna be left out.. coz i am too quiet and i dunno what to tok to them i just dunno when i can say something and join them coz whatever they say i dun understand and if i anyhow ask a qn they will ignore it as if i didnt open my mouth or maybe they too engrossed with their conversation and didnt hear what i say. sometimes i will make some lame joke to make them laugh but they will give me a no expression or sarcastic "hahaha" as if they are calling me to shut up and go away. am i thinking too much? i am really hurt by tt reaction. i used to love gathering. whenever i heard there is a gathering i am so excited and beg my mama to let me go but what is it is tt i am always the one sitting alone and looking at my friends having fun it is like there are no space for me to join in. tt is the worse feeling i ever got. so slowly it become a phopia going to a gathering going out with group of friends. until now i still love gathering! and i still beg mama to let me go but on tt day i will have the phopia again and i will give myself tonnes of excuses and not to go for the gathering. isnt it stupid? HAHA!

i still rmb the first day i went to union room i told myself nvm go inside onli mahz kel and friends will be with me i am not alone and so i went with them. it is just stupid. i was totally left out kel and friends when to join his friends and i see everyone with friends chit chating laughing and i am alone gloomily sit at the corner dunno who to tok to even ppl come and tok to me onli a few seconds coz i am so quiet i have nth to tok to them. i nearly cry tt time but i cant leave coz got photo taking. then finally photo take finish can go le but kel got something to do so i think i can tahan abit longer to wait for him but when i ask him how long he going to take. he just ignored me and tok to his friend play with his friends. so i think he nv hear so nvm so i asked a few more times and nth change i am so lost! i am like BOOM! my tears going drops without i knowing why so i went in union room grab my bag and run off. took the bus and go home. i rmbed vividly i cried in the bathroom for quite a long time coz i am hurt. i tot he will not make me feel lost i tot he will lead me but in the end i know i rely on him too much and it really disappointed me though is not his fault. but i am just hurt. i hate the feeling.

i know i am just not fit to be anyone's friend. i have enough of all those hurting feeling. i think i just treat all my friend just normal friends and dun think they will need me so i just be their background, which i just have to sit there emoing to contrast their happiness.

Winnie XD 9:47 pm.

Saturday, September 01, 2007

Winnie XD 3:05 pm.